How You Gonna Die?

Announcer: From Burbank, California, it's America's fastest growing feeling or sensation, "How You Gonna Die?" and here's the host of our program Wink Ewbanks.

W.E.: Hello everybody, and welcome to "How You Gonna Die?" where two moderately attractive white women in their 20s and 30s strive to choose their likely future demises as reported by the Broadcast and/or Cable Media. Let's meet our contestants.

[Innoucuous digital muzak plays and a spinning platform reveals two dishwater blonde women, about 30 with large eyes seated behind a jazzed up desk]

W.E.: First, she's a baptist youth minister from Hominy, Georgia; engaged to a born-again former alcholic. She proclaims she's still a virgin, Connie Jones! [applause]. Connie, I have to tell you, you sure are white.

Connie: Thanks Wink. You have a nice tan.

W.E.: Why thank you. Tell me Connie, how long have you been a virgin?

Connie: Oh, about seven or eight years now. Ever since I began dating my fiance Ted.

W.E.: That's great. Are you excited to be able to choose the method of your demise at some unknowable point in the future?

Connie: I sure am, it gives me a feeling of control over my relative helplessness.

W.E.: That's terrific Connie. Johnny Olson, Junior, tell us who our next contestant is please.

Announcer: Wink, she's a Homemaker from EmployedatWill, Kansas; a mother of 13; and a regular attendee at the Evangelical Church of the Determined Sperm, Phyllis Smith. [Applause]

W.E.: Welcome Phyllis, nice to meet you. You are a mother of 13?

Phyllis: Yes, Wink, nine of them by invitro-fertilization and four by the miracle of being a port of entry for the love of my husband Mike [crowd oohs and ahs, Phyllis looks discombobulated], but I didn't like it. [Crowd applauds]

W.E.: Phyllis are you ready to play, "How You Gonna Die?"

Phyllis: Why yes, Wink. I feel that being able to be afraid of only one specific event will enable me to concentrate my fear all on that particular item everyday of my life, instead of having my fear be generalized. I'd rather be constantly afraid of one thing in particular, than everything.

W.E.: That's smart thinking Phyllis.

Phyllis: One question though Wink?

W.E.: Yes?

Phyllis: No matter what, I can still be afraid of electing a Democrat right?

W.E.: Of course Phyllis, maintaining a suitable level of irrationality is as important for you as it is for the importance of our ratings.

[Applause]

W.E.: Well, if you ladies are ready to begin, let's look at what today's winner has to choose from, Johnny?

Announcer: Wink today's contestants can choose from: Death by Kidnapping by a swarthy stranger of general physical description; the random bombing of a mass transit vehicle; or by having their taxes raised by a Democrat [crowd groans].

W.E.: Wow, some tough choices there. But first we have to play our game. Ladies, hands on your bible-buzzers. Let's Begin. "The Man responsible for the rise of international terrorism is?"

["HALLALUJAH!"]

W.E.: Phyllis?

Phyllis: Bill Clinton?

["DAMNATION!"][Crowd groans]

W.E.: Oh, I'm sorry, that answer no longer is applicable.

["PRAISE THE LORD"]

Connie: Hillary Clinton?

W.E.: Correct! And Connie, you win!

Connie: Wow, that's the shortest game show ever.

W.E.: Yes, we've structured our game to the average American attention span.
Connie, Which method of death do you prefer?

Connie: Well, I cannot imagine anything worse than a Democratic President, and I simply cannot abide riding in a bus or train with strangers, especially a whole bunch of heathens and dark types, so I guess I'll take the Kidnapping, for the newscoverage will give me a legacy worthy of a white christian martyr, and virgin.

[Rapturous Applause]

W.E.: Congratulations Connie, sometime in the next 10 years, before the flower of youth disappears, you will be said to have been kidnapped and murdered by a person who could be 90% of the black or hispanic men on the planet.

Connie: They'll be no prolonged contact with them right?

W.E.: Oh, Connie, it probably will not even be them.

Connie: Whew, that's a relief, I'd much rather be violently killed by someone like me.

W.E.: That's great and good night everybody, we'll see you next time on "How You Gonna Die?" [Applause and bouncy end music]