Naturalization

10 QUESTIONS from BushCo™ federal immigration authorities' newly designed civics test for would-be American citizens:

1. Who is Hillary Clinton? (a) Junior senator from the state of New York; (b) The reincarnation of Hitler; (c) Satan in a black pants suit; (d) Republicans' worst fucking nightmare

2. What was President George W. Bush doing when the first plane hit the World Trade Center on September 11th? (a) Reading The Pet Goat to schoolchildren; (b) Reading The Pet Goat to Jenna and Not-Jenna; (c) Petting his own goat; (d) Figuring out ways to smear the CIA briefer to whom he'd said, "All right, you've covered your ass now" upon being presented with the August 6, 2001 "Bin laden determined to strike in U.S." PDB.

3. There are four amendments to the U.S. Constitution that address who can vote. Describe one of them: (a) Black people shall be prevented from voting; (b) Young people shall be prevented from voting; (c) Anyone who might conceivably vote Democratic shall be prevented from voting; (d) Your vote doesn't count, because we are stealing it anyway.

4. What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful? (a) Nothing, apparently.

5. Which is not U.S. territory: (a) Guam; (b) Puerto Rico; (c) Northern Mariana Islands; (d) the House of Saud.

6. Who is Al Gore? (a) Former Vice President of the United States; (b) Winner of the 2000 presidential election; (c) Random fat guy who, as it turns out, was right about pretty much everything; (d) All of the above.

7. What are two rights reserved exclusively for United States Citizens? (a) The right to build fences on U.S. borders; (b) The right to shriek incoherently about recent immigrants with poor English skills; (c) The right to exploit illegal immigrants for cheap labor? (d) The right to take up arms, don little army costumes, and patrol the border in an effort to keep non-U.S. citizens from working minimum-wage jobs in chicken processing plants.

8. Which branch of the government has the power to declare war? (a) The President; (b) The Congress; (c) The Judiciary; (d) The American Enterprise Institute.

9. What do the 13 stripes on the U.S. flag represent? (a) The thirteen original colonies; (b) The thirteen years it will take to pay off the deficit run up by the Bush administration; (c) The age at which the Bush administration will begin to draft U.S. citizens if this war runs on much longer; (d) President Bush's I.Q.

10. What is "welfare?" (a) A program that provides a source of temporary income for indigent people; (b) A program that provides a source of permanent income for lazy, otherwise unemployable Republican pundits, bloggers, columnists, and other bloviators.