Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Five to the Egg Noggin'

DECEMBER 25, 2005, 8:13 a.m. EDT


"This just in to the FoxNews room via the DrudgeReport via NewsMax via the Washington Times. A report from Texas, China Springs, Texas has just arrived and things are a little blurry but it appears that a major terrorist attack was thwarted overnight. We go now to our reporter on the scene Brian Kilmeade."

"Thank you Laurie, I'm here with a Mister Theodore Nugent, a resident of China Springs who just finished speaking with police and officials from the Homeland Security Department about what happened during the early hours of this morning, the most holy and perfect day ever created, Christmas. Mr. Nugent, can you describe what occurred?"

"Please call me Ted."

"I'm sorry, Ted"

"First, Brian I'd like to say that I watch FoxNews all the time and in the spirit of the season I'd like to wish Laurie happy holidays, and let her know that I'm wearing a belt made out of mistletoe. YOU ROCK MY WORLD WOMAAAAAAAAAAN!"

"Thank you so much Mr. Nugent, but my producer says that first you must tell us what happened."

(from here)

"Well see it was about 2:30 in the morning here on my ranch and it was all quiet when I heard this disturbance on the roof. I got up to see what was going on, when I heard footsteps up there and then noise coming from my fireplace. So I did what I always do and I grabbed by trusty aught six.

I quietly moved down to the family room and what did I see down there but this crazy ass guy with a long beard carrying a big pack behind him. I immediately thought, suicide bomb...I mean Homicide Bomber. So I quickly aimed and screamed "take that Al Queda!!!!" and pumped five rounds into that dude before he could blow hisself up and harm my family. Lord only knows the death and destruction that crazy aaaaaaaa-rab could of caused."

Later that morning.

"The Department of Homeland Security has released the first images from what appears to be a foiled terrorist plot that occurred in China Springs, Texas today. Authorities say that the perpetrator has yet to be identified, nor has any group come forward to claim responsility, it is believed that Al Qaeda may have played a role in the attack. Here is the image the government has released to us."

(from here)
"More on this story as it develops."

That Afternoon:

No way to talk about anything but the terror bombing investigation in Texas. My faith has been renewed in Americans during Christmas. Even though they talk a good politically correct game out in public, evidently, behind the scenes they are as ruthless as I would expect from a civilized country under attack by bloodthirsty barbarians who have been brainwashed.

What is also good is the crazy-assed rock star tactics that we saw at work Christmas morning. The take down and kill tactic is incredible, if for no other reason than its bravery. Can you imagine the job of that homeowner? Shoot a guy wearing a red suit and hope your gun is loaded up to put five bullets in the noggin before he sets off the bomb in his big sack.

Turns out he didn't have a bomb, and turns out all he had was a sack full of toys and some caribou. And if it turns out ultimately that he had nothing to do with anything, no doubt there will be hell to pay. But the Bush Administration says he was linked to the terror probe, so let's wait and see.

Meantime, got to admire the cojones of that deaf long-haired freak to go after him like that. All of this trumps any of my other complaints that the rock stars are not making the right noises about fighting terror. They like to go about things with a bit less distortion than us. Not my style, but okay, fine — as long as they get the five in the noggin of the right bomber elf. They do that and I'm fine.

So for the moment, alls well. Just catch the terrorists. Five in the noggin is fine. Don't complain that sounds barbaric. We're fighting barbaric.

That's My Word.

And then that evening:

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