An Offer for Secretary Rumsfeld

At the risk of whoring out our services and losing our readers, we here at the Rising Hegemon have decided to help Secretary Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld out of a pickle with regard to the defense department's problems with poor equipment for the troops in Iraq.

What we have decided is to start our own biddness.

We call it: Slappy & Stiffy's Scrap. We will begin immediate negotiations with the defense department to be the U.S. military's number one provider of scrap metal so that the soldiers can attach faux armor platting to their vehicles.

We will provide the metal at cost. No, make that at a healthy markup but, for our friends in defense we will sell the scarp far cheaper than Halliburton or other regular defense department contractors. So, its a cost savings! Surely that would be a type of physics that all the military can get behind!

I would imagine that our pitch would sound something like this:

Tired of having your fighting military men and women scuttling around refuse dumps for scrap metal? Tired of soldiers who complain that they do not have the basic equipment and protections to do an unclear and fuzzily planned military excursion through thousands of insurgents and potential terrorists? Then buy the best scrap metal that 275 million dollars can get you with Slappy & Stiffy's Scrap!

We promise extensive planning on where we will get the scrap metal, how it will eventually be delivered to the war zone, and how it might even be placed on military vehicles, Hummers, or even shorts. We will work with only the best metallurgists available on the Internet. And that's a lot.

We promise remarkable levels of planning, discussion, and dialog on the scrap. Stop wasting time (and valuable soldier's lives, 'cause hey you need them to fight this whole insurgency thing, are we right?) and call Slappy & Stiffy's Scrap today for all of your metal needs.

No checks please.