Swifty-Types Throughout History

Ah, the "Swift Boat Veterans for Gross Over-Negative Extrapolation", always willing to do what they can to strike a low-blow for liberty. But there have been many such groups in history, always a few years after the event, and always endorsed by Robert ("behold my TEETH") Novak. Now, let me belabor the point, with some less prominant examples throughout history (Yes, the Crucifixion and Civil War are not included).

34,000 B.C.: Og no invent fire.

Upon a hieroglyph found in Lascaux, France is a painting that anthropologists believe says it was sponsored by "Mammoth Hunting Veterans for Truth" carving "Og lie when say Mammoth fought back against hunter, Og not save Fang from mammoth foot."

Cannae, Italy, 230 B.C.: "Hannibal was afraid of elephants."

Pachyderm Driving Veterans for Truth state that it is a lie that Hannibal was a great general. "I saw him fake illness plenty of times, and there was very little arrow-fire during the Battle of Cannae. In fact, Hannibal was never in Alps during the Spring of 216."

Constantine, "what a crazy fuckerus" say former Legionnaires in 320 A.D.

Swift Marching Pagan Legionnaires for Truth assert that Constantine did not see a flaming cross at all. "It was a giant flaming donut sent by Jupiter saying 'Hey Dude, what's shakin'?". Another says, "I know that Constantine is lying about Milvian Bridge, I was there, and it didn't happen the way he says."

1075, William the Conqueror, whatf an Asshole!

Norman Cavalryman for Truth veterans angry about how William is claiming to be valiant during the Battle of Hastings. "He's a bastard", they say, one says, "that was supposed to be my wallhanging, not some trumped up story of his bravery!"


It really would have brought out the tan coloring of my peasants' teeth.

1420: Henry the V, Lying about Agincourt

The Original Band of Brothers for Truth proclaim, "But for better leadership, there would be more than we few, we happy few, left."

1924: Mustafa Kemal, was a Stupidass Blogger, say those who served under him.

Secular Muslim Fighters for Truth state, "Oh sure, we Turks are dying like flies at Gallipoli, but gloryhound At(t)aturk was too busy trying to caption pictures of Wilhelm II and his tiny arm.


Achtung! Those Frenchmen have my Moustache Wax. Send some Divisions out to get it back or I'll throw my "Male Compensation" helmet at them! Schnell, Schnell! Har, Har, Har.

1948; Mao, Hoarded all the Shoes, say Disgruntled Comrades

Long March Walkers for Truth say his Cult of Personality isn't all its cracked up to be.