Convention Report: McCain the Puppet?

Well after that misstep of hiding in a paper dragon the other day. I decided to stay with the convention. I lost the Veggie Tales for a while and don't feel the mind numbing cold of Ann Coulter or the feeling of nausea that Pat Buchanan creates, so I think I am safe to wander the convention floor.

"Welcome to Compassionville!" Screamed a group of 'Hugging Republicans.' "Jesus, I hate those guys" muttered a strangely boyish looking Ralph Reed. "It's just a slogan like all that family and Christian crap that we spout." When I whirled around to be eye to eye with lil' Ralphy he spied my press pass and suddenly fell to his knees in prayer. "Dear Heavenly corporate Father, bless this most holy of hosts... The God fearin', infidel smitten' Republican convention!" In Halliburton'sYour name, we pray."

He did this so fast that I was kind of blown away by it. I looked around and several other guys in suits fell over themselves to get to their knees. A few were on all fours... Which was kind of frightening. I just smiled and backed away slowly. I remembered my camp training and spouted something about Jack 3 and 16: "For God so loved the world, he did cool stuff. And Jesus is going to smite his enemies." All the Republicans on their hands and knees applauded, some falling over to do so.

Ok, after shaking that strange experience off and navigating around another group of Republicans who kept walking up and hugging people, I walked around a backstage area and saw John McCain. Someone who had enough buttons on him to work at TGI Friday's pinned an "I Love Bush" button. When McCain said something about the slogan being inappropriate, kind of an innuendo or double something or other, the flunky laughed at him. Clearly the flunky was having none of it. "We all have to wear these buttons! The order comes from on High!!!" McCain responded: "what, God?" "Oh no," the flunky laughed, "higher, far higher than that... Karl Rove."

While the flunky had his back turned, I saw an opportunity to try to get a few words with McCain. I made a quick look around to see if Sean Hannity and the security patrol was around looking for liberals. Ann Coulter earlier in the day had reduced one of the Marxists to a crying mess and the Hannityites descended upon him. Now, I know what the Inquisition must have looked like.

Nope, it was clear. Oh wait remember the training... Be careful because conservatives hide. So, I looked underneath the table cloth and there was Cal Thomas attaching skirts to the table legs which we really could not see any way. "Indecent!" He maniacally chucked. "Mama says we must cover our naughty bits."

Thomas clearly posed no threat so I walked up to McCain but Cheney was walking up and remembering the training I dove under the table next to Thomas. "Do you want to cover naughty things too?" "um, no thanks," I mumbled, angry that my chance to talk with McCain mano-a-mano had been dashed by Cheney.

"You KNOW what to say, right!" Cheney demanded of McCain. "I know, I know..." McCain answered with his eyes down cast. "Remember what will happen to you if you mess this up," Cheney declared with a strange glee in his eye. McCain shuddered and said it was all taken care of. "You just keep Clarence Thomas away from me and my family!" McCain answered back with a little more back bone. "Hush, hush" Cheney retorted. "Remember that little stay in the Hanoi Hilton will seem like paradise if you are forced to stay with the Thomas' for a week."

My God I thought. That is inhuman. No wonder that McCain is so supportive of Bush. He fears for more than his life.

Finally they left, I assumed to go on stage so I could get away from Cal who kept showing me different size crucifixes he keeps in his pants. "This episode is going to take some pain killers," I thought as I got up.

Suddenly some frantic campaign worker ran up to me. "I lost my Hispanic. Oh no, where is my Hispanic. She's got to be in the Maine delegation!" What are you talking about? I asked as I covered my press badge. "We only have a finite number of black and brown Republicans and they have to be front and center for the delegate count. "Have you seen anyone with Brown skin?" "No, I am sorry but maybe they are in the foyer?" I offered. Taking the bait the flunky ran off. Whew. Man, I do not know if I can take a few more days of this.