Embedding and Training for GOP Convention

Report #1 Enroute to the GOP Convention

Greeting Rising Hegemon Readers,

I write this enroute to the Republican National Convention on Team Hoot Owl's Bus. I have been through four weeks of reporter training for embeddedness in the GOP fracas known as the national convention. For those of you who have missed my missives on this blog, or at least all three of you who wrote me, those letters kept me going while training and listening to the camp leaders who have been through this incredibly challenging experience before.

When we arrived at Camp Goldwater we were introduced to the camp leaders and assigned into our cabins. Apparently four weeks is considered the barest of training for dealing with the wild, vindictive, and irrationality of thousands of rabid right and nut wingers in a small convention space. I was assigned to Team Hoot Owl, with some reporters from NBC, The Daily Show, and some obscure Marxist newspapers, Weekly World Labor Working Person's News, or something like that. They smelled like onions and bad cigarettes and I thought, "hmmmmm... I wonder how they will do at the convention, someone like DeLay will eat you for breakfast."

Day one. We all were shaved, got hair cuts, and were given suits from Brooks Brothers (even the women), new glasses, and briefcases. I really like the red power ties. So, 1980s. Go Duran Duran. Uh Oh, our team leader told me that I should forget about music like Duran Duran. Focus on country. Ok, this is going to be tough. The Daily Show correspondents cried themselves to sleep.

Day two. Apparently, Peter Jennings -- Team Hoot Owl's leader -- has been through this many times. We were warned about the dangers of being alone near Matty Drudge, how to compliment O'Reilly to avoid being stoned by his no-spinsters evil followers, and what to do if Cheney swears at you. Good day. The Marxists seem to really enjoy their suit and ties. They don't smell any more although the correspondents from NBC don't look so good.

Day three - seven. Apparently, no matter where you are embedded it is important to carry jelly beans. Something about the Reagan favorite candy can help smooth over questioning right-wingers. Also, we learned not to look the crazed right wingers in the eye. Very important. Apparently, Ann Coulter killed some journalists who were embedded with Sean Hannity at the last GOP convention. We did lots of physical training. Also, we had a fascinating seminar on how to argue with Republicans led by Rush Limbaugh. Apparently he has to raise money for some legal problems.

Day eight - nine. People are starting to hunger for news. The camp counselors have told us that to prepare us for denial of fact, truth, and history we have to embrace a lack of news and information. Nod along to established truth from "leaders" and look enraptured all the time. This is hard. When Lead Hoot Owl Jen Jen (hey, its what he wants to be called) held up a picture of Bush, so we could look enraptured the Marxists stormed the stage and attacked the picture. No dessert for them tonight. Man, they look bummed.

Day ten. Today we were given The Washington Times and access to The Druge Report to read for news. Almost bashed my head in with a rock but The Daily Show correspondent talked me down. Tough day.

Day Ten - fourteen. Practice, practice, practice. How to interview Christian Coalition types. Must read all of Bible, especially that really weird last chapter. The Marxists really seemed to get into this. I guess they are used to a lot of reading.

Week Three. Constant drilling. How to slink away from Cheney. How to offer a pretzel to Bush. Stay away from Michael Savage. Run from Coulter. Hide from Drudge. I am drained. The physical training is intense. I have lost ten pounds. Every time I want to eat they show us footage from Fox news. I have finally gotten to the point where I can keep some milk down. I miss my mommy.

Day Twenty four. Sorry I could not write for a while. We had several days of intense conservative training. Boy, this Goldwater guy is really important to these people. Scary. The guy wanted to use nukes. Man, if not for Lead Hoot Owl Jen Jen Bing Bang Bong's reassurance I think I would crack. Those Marxist guys seem to be thriving though. Strange. The smell and strange look in their eyes seems different. In fact, at lunch today they actually applauded a taped Cheney speech. Something bad is happening. I know a lot of us look like walking wounded but we must be ready for this convention.

Day Twenty Six. Graduation is tomorrow. I feel like I can handle any assignment I receive. Where will I be embedded? That is all the talk at camp. Where will we be embedded? Will they believe in medicine? Will they not mind cameras and recording equipment? Just give me something where I can conduct interviews and I will be fine.

Day Twenty Seven. Assignments have been handed out. I am depressed. I have been assigned Veggie Tales. What? Huh? Apparently those Christian animated Vegetables are going to be at the convention. I just about hit lead hooter Jen Jen man, until he told me that is not the worst assignment. The holy veggies have an "in" with the younger convention-goers and W is apparently a huge fan of their videos. And so is Karl Rove, so I might actually be able to talk to someone.

We were also given our pseudonyms, apparently I am going to be Jonah Greenberg, Israeli Spy. I hope this works. I have invested too much. Oh, the Marxists have it bad. They are embedded with Ann Coulter. We all prayed for them before we left camp.

Today. We all left in busses for New York and the convention hotel. I should be ready to begin tomorrow. The lead hoot owl prayed for our safety. Here we go.