The United Faces of Plastic: Ahnold at the Convention

Now that I have the Daily Show guy's computer I can write more about what I have seen at the convention.

All the talk on the floor is about flip-flopping. Bush's that is. Many of the delegates are crestfallen that we cannot win the war on terror. "But he told us we would win!" said one delegate from Kansas jumping up and down and rolling around on the floor in a temper tantrum. "We need that war machine to keep our economy afloat" said several other delegates. Finally I mentioned to one delegate that if we cannot win the war, that would mean that we would fight a meaningless perpetual war. "Hey that's right. We could fight and fight and never win" the delegate said brightening. "We will have to make many many many more weapons!" This is better than when we stole the election from Gore. Thanks!"

Hmmmm... I slowly walked away from these smiling warmongers not wanting to receive the brunt of their strange happiness. Fearing that several of them were about to ask me what the Rising Hegemon was, I threw jelly beans on the floor. Suddenly all the delegates were bent over picking up the jelly beans. "Reagan candies" they yelled. I will have to remember to thank Lead Hoot Owl for the suggestion of the jelly beans.

I managed to hide around Rush Limbaugh and Darryl Kagan. Boy, they are really into each other. You would think that they would come up for air once in a while. Not in my most teen hormone driven moments did I kiss like that.

After losing my lunch, I have to get that image of Rush and Kagan out of my mind. Anyway, I finally managed to clean up and change into my emergency back up red power tie just in time to watch Ahnold get ready to go on stage. Boy, who would have thought that his muscles were faked. I know what you are all thinking. He pumped iron for years to get that body and maybe he did. But now, apparently its some white pasty material that they pump into him. The bags were marked Joan Rivers. I decided that I didn't want to know. Luckily I had nothing left to hurl, so I was able to get close enough to ask him some questions. Unfortunately, the Daily Show guy could not get past the odd smelling stuff that was being put into Ahnold and he fainted.

"Hello Girlie Man, vhat left-ving crap papah do you vrite for dat I would vipe my manly but wit!" "Yeah, um that's a good one, but what do you hope to accomplish here?" "Vell, I hope to... Excuse me a moment." "Miss, miss... Can you help me wit something?" And then Ahnold grabbed a woman's breasts and said "Come in Tokyo!" After the woman ran off, suddenly a flunky lawyer ran after her, "ma'am, I need you to sign this non-disclosure document."

"Vhere vere ve?" "Mr. Governator, what do you hope to accomplish at the convention?" The governator looked thoughtful for a moment, "Oh excuse me" he said.

"Can I be honest vit you?" I thought, this is it, the scoop that will make this nightmare worthwhile. "Absolutely," I replied. "I am vere to launch my presidential campaign." "Huh," I thoughtfully replied. "ves, I hope to get Tom DeVay to change da constitution vor me. Bush is a girlie man. Ve need a veal man in the vhite house. But vight now I vill back Bush if no one else is man enough. And I order Bush avound all da time."

"I've got ta go now."

"Thank you Mr. Governator." He only sloshed a little bit as he disconnected his equipment. Hmmmm... the governator as president one day. That is a scary thought, but I suppose he might be the only Republican around this place that does not make me ill. Well, no... that's not true either. I think I have been here too long. I think I need a break.