Tom Ridge: Security Alert Update from CNN Headquarters

I'm sure it is not political. In the spirit of this, I present...

CNN through in a "not so" alternative Universe:

JUDY WOODRUFF: While crazed liberal democrat Howard Dean, who belongs to the same party as flip-flopper John Kerry, goes on and on without any evidence that we are not all going to die, new terrorist information has come into us at CNN. Our super-superior-super sleuth Kelli Arena has more.

KELLI ARENA: Judy, after fluttering my eyes and showing off my new shoes to sources at the justice department, I have been provided with phone numbers, a hundred dollars cash, a french-maids outfit, and these written talking points that I will now read verbatim. Judy, the Justice Department and the Department of Homeland Security have learned that the following terrorist acts against the United States are being planned.

North Vietnamese insurgents are apparently planning to attack American Naval Ships in the Gulf of Tonkin off the Vietnamese coast.

Concerns have also been exclusively provided to me that Secretaries Ashcroft and Ridge are deeply concerned of the actions of the Barbary Pirates off the coast of North Africa in the Mediterranean.

My sources stress that this information is based on the most updated and creditible information and the nation is placed on Orange Alert until this threat lifts.

One last item of interest Judy, my sources tell me that American intelligence continues to collect new information on the whereabouts of terrorist mastermind Mulai Ahmed er Raisuli and may be within years of locating him.

Further, this recent intelligence is the direct result of actions taken by our fearless leader George W. Bush.

Back to you Judy.