No Sex & No City

HBO needs a new jaunty show to replace its former half-hour money maker. Oh sure, it has 'Curb Your Enthusiasm', but it needs another half-hour to feed the subscription beast.

This is an email I sent the HBO Programming Geniuses, and I use that derisively because, I just cannot understand how this did not make it.

"Head of Programming, Home Box Office

Dear Sir,

My name is Atta J. Turk and I am writing this email to pitch to you an idea for a replacement series for your departed show about four tawdry tarts having regular sex for a half-hour in New York each week. Perhaps you remember it, it was called "Sex and the City" which I believe based its success upon the fact that the bigger named the starlet, the less likely it was we got to see boobies or hoo-hah. For example, Kim Catrell, we pretty much got to see everything but insertion; Sarah Jessica Parker, not even anything transparent.

Despite the success of that formula, I have a show to pitch that would have remarkable uniformity in that not one of its stars would ever be requested to do nudity. In fact, layering would be requested.

The show I suggest would be a natural follow-up to a show called 'Sex and the City', I suggest the show, "No Sex no City".

Four conservative woman hang out in the exurban midwest each week and express shock and experience dyspepsia over the various cultural and social events being reported on their media outlet of choice "FoxNews".

I suggest four particular individuals for these roles.

Ann Coulter -- The Large-mouthed, mysteriously androgynous mini-skirted fuhrer of the group by virtue of its constant vitriol and cursing. Sort of an Al Swearingen type.

Michelle Magalangalangshebang-- Believes she is Ann's best friend as she pretty much parrots it at every opportunity. The major difference between Ann & Michelle is that the former prefers ball-gags, the latter, sensory deprivation and isolation. We see her boyfriend Yojimbo in various stages of decay each week as he is locked in her basement.

Laura Ingraham-- The lipstick conservative of the group, who is tired of dating liberal men and being each other's respective grudge f**k. Spends most of her time in cut offs and short t-shirts dreaming about going to Sturgis for the biker rally this year.

Peggy Noonan-- The matron of the group. Usually spends time leaning her head back and fluttering her eyes. Most of her free time is spent watching porno videos and hugging her blow-up Ronnie doll.


I have written a sample scene, involving Ann coming home from a night of drinking with her date Sean Hannity.

INT. DIL'S ANN'S FLAT - NIGHT.

She enters; FERGUS SEAN walks in slowly. He looks from the cricket
whites that are hanging up behind a curtain to the photographs.

ANN
What you thinking of, hon?

SEAN
I'm thinking of your man.

ANN
Why?

SEAN
I'm wondering why you keep his things.

ANN
Told you, I'm superstitious.

She turns toward him and undoes her hair. It falls around her shoulders.

SEAN
Did he ever tell you you were beautiful?

ANN
All the time.

SEAN runs his hand down her throat, playing with her mysterious Adam's apple.

ANN
Even now.

SEAN
No...

ANN
He looks after me. He's a gentleman too.

She draws him behind a curtain toward the bed, pulls him down. They kiss passionately.

ANN
Give me one minute.

She walks into the bathroom. SEAN lies there, looking at the picture, listening to the sound of running water. She comes out then, dressed in a silk kimono. She looks, by her standards, extraordinarily unloathsome.

He reaches out his hand and grasps hers. He draws her toward him. He begins to kiss her face and neck.

SEAN
Would he have minded?

She murmurs no. His hands slip the wrap down from her shoulders.

CLOSE ON HIS HANDS, traveling down her neck, in the darkness. Then the hands stop. The kimono falls to the floor gently, with a whisper. The camera travels with it, and we see, in a close-up, that she is a man.

SEAN sits there, frozen, staring at her.

ANN
You did know, didn't you?

SEAN says nothing.

ANN
Oh my God.

She gives a strange little laugh, then reaches out to touch him. SEAN smacks the hand away, but then she overpowers him.

I look forward to hearing about whether you want the 10 or 12 episode order.

Sincerely,

Atta J. Turk
Producer/Writer/Gaffer/Best Boy