benedictxvi@vatican

Dear Poppenschnitzel;

I haven't written in a while. We have been busy over here in the United States of America recovering from God's wrath. Apparently, too many people beseeched God to, "Show us Your Tits!". I admit I'm kind of unfamiliar with a lot of the Canon's of the Church as I haven't read the 'DaVinci Code' but perhaps many people thought that is what the rosary was for?

Anyhoo, how's it hangin' with you, Mein Purer?

I saw another article that apparently the Church is taking this position on prospective clerics...

The archbishop overseeing a Vatican-run inspection of U.S. seminaries said there is no room in seminaries for men with strong homosexual inclinations even if they have been celibate for a decade or more. "I think anyone who has engaged in homosexual activity, or has strong homosexual inclinations, would be best not to apply to a seminary and not to be accepted into a seminary," said Archbishop Edwin F. O'Brien, head of the U.S. Archdiocese for the Military Services. Archbishop O'Brien, who is coordinating the visits to more than 220 U.S. seminaries and houses of formation, said even homosexuals who have been celibate for 10 or more years should not be admitted to seminaries. "The Holy See should be coming out with a document about this," Archbishop O'Brien said in an interview with the National Catholic Register newspaper. The call for the visits came after a wave of abuse allegations and revelations about how dioceses handled those cases.

You know, I don't want to tell you how to tend to your flock and all. But it seems to me that since one of the things you priests are supposed to do is keep your wicks dry and your cossacks tidy it should not really matter what your inclinations are, as long as you don't act on them. If you exclude people who have not had sex in say 9 1/2 years because it might have been the ultimate evil -- "the butt sex"* with another dude then you are really asking for a lot fewer recruits. At least 10% less or so -- at a time when not many people want to be priest to begin with -- in large part because there's no sex at all, let along the butt sex.

But that's just me, the geeky randy hedonist talking. All I know about Clerics is it's good to have one bearing a "Mace of Disruption" around with the skeletons show up and interrupt your plundering of a conveniently placed dungeon near a gothic town -- all while you talk like a deleted scene from the Silmirillion. What do I know against the majesty of mythology?

By the way, have you got a spare Cardinal Around with a +5 mace and Plate Mail of Speed? I need one 'cause I'm taking on Vecna next week.

Thanks,


Your E-Pal
Atta J. Turk


*As opposed to lesser evils -- Murder, Rape, Genocide, and Masturbating.