July 5, 2006 11:17 p.m.

The phone rings at the NY condominium of Andrea Mackris:

*ring*

Andrea: (sleepily) Hello?

Bill-O: (slurring) Andrea, Andrea, it's me ... Bill O'Reilly. Y'know, that Bill O'Reilly.

Andrea: (waking) Bill you know the terms of our settlement stipulate that you are not to contact me for any reason!

Bill-O: Ah know...but I've been out on the town, having a few, and I visited some old haunts when it hit me, this brilliant thought.

Andrea: But why are you calling me?

Bill-O: Ah don't have Keith Olbermann's number Andrea, besides it's really about you...you and your large, large breashiticles. I bought a big new dildo.

Andrea: BILL!

Bill-O: Hear me out, don't be a 'murica hather! It's twice as big as any other falafel I've ever had. And you know what I'm a gonna call it? Huh? Huh?

Andrea: I'm going to hang up Bill.

Bill-O: Type-OH-Dong II!!! Pretty good isn't it? How'd you like to join me in sitting on it? I still got it, you know you want me baby!

Andrea: Good bye Bill!

*click*

Bill-O: Oh, okay, I'll send one of my guys over in the morning with a $500,000 check. But it was worth it. I'm going to name one of my facial blotches after you Andrea. VICTORY IS MINE!