Reaching Out

Once again, liberals are being admonished to reach out to evangelicals, this time by the NYT's resident saint, Nicholas Kristof.

Why are liberals always the ones being told they need to reach out to evangelicals? Media, politicians, and guys like Jim Wallis are always telling us we need to be respectful and make overtures to a group of people who seem to despise us. I remember Mary Matalin spitting and hissing about liberals' disrespect for and failure to "reach out" to evangelicals on "Meet the Press" the Sunday after the 2004 presidential election, as though we were to blame for the fact that half of the country was stupid enough to think George W. Bush and Dick Cheney belonged anywhere other than in stripes in the solitary confinement lockup of the federal supermax at Florence, Colorado. Does anyone ever tell evangelicals they need to "reach out" to liberals? Is Rick Warren going to preach this in between serving decaffeinated skim milk cappuccinos with Splenda out at his megachurch this morning? (Just as an aside, if you were pastor of a megachurch, would you refer to it as a "megachurch?" Pride goeth and all of that ...)

Liberals have spent the last thirty years being demonized by evangelical leaders like Robertson, Falwell, and Dobson and the leaders of the Republican party they embraced. Why in the name of Jesus, Allah, or the Buddha would I reach out to anyone who's been kicking me for three days, let alone three decades? And don't tell me, "Those guys are the old guard." Instead, show me that they're yesterday's news by laying off your efforts to control my body, my mind, and my wallet (by agitating for my tax dollars to fund your unconstitutional and wasteful "faith-based initiatives") and by halting your Thirty Years War against liberals. That means taking on esteemed evangelical "opinion leaders" like the Parshalls, the Parsleys, and Pastor-I-Have-A-Weekly-Call-With-The-White-House Dobson, among other faith-based initiatives.

If evangelicals think it's time for a group hug, let them do the reaching out for once. But don't be surprised if I'm wary, dirty fucking hippie that I am. Because when people spend thirty years telling me I'm going to spend eternity in Satan's lair for everything from not having whatever the hell a "personal relationship with Jesus" is to enjoying sexual communion with the occasional libidinous liberal lad to whom I happen not to be married I tend to be a little suspicious of their embrace.

You know, when I was in grammar school, this miserable little bitch used to give me no end of shit for doing everything from reading on the school bus to wearing a non-preferred brand of sneakers to living on whatever passes for the wrong side of the tracks in one of the toniest suburbs in the northeast. It wouldn't have occurred to me to "reach out" to this little shit until she'd learned some manners, shut her mouth, and got off my back, my idiotic teachers' suggestions to "be the bigger person," notwithstanding. Just saying.

So evangelicals, you come to me and you be nice. Bring some coffee (I take it light and I don't do artificial sweeteners) and a couple of Krispy Kremes (the chocolate frosted ones, please) from the franchise at your megachurch. Then we'll see if we have anything in common.