Why I don't own a Hummer

A recent friend was puzzled over my resistance to purchase the mega-sized automobile with the odd penile name, the Hummer.



I do not own a Hummer because I want to critize the people that do. I do not own a Hummer because I am not independently wealthy. Do not listen to Atta J. Turk when he talks about lighting his cigars with... oh wait, that's someone else. I do not own a large automobile because I love the environment, isn't that what you want me to say? I do not own a Hummer for some of the same reasons that I do not own a Ford Explorers.

The Explorers are the largest selling SUV. One particularly scandalous event regarding safety was the lethal combination of using cheap passenger car Firestone tires on new Ford Explorers, which led to many deaths and injuries from rollovers caused by tire failure. I am not a big fan of tire failure.

Ford and Firestone knew about these hazards as they were occurring. Today, Explorers no longer come with Firestone tires and the Explorer's suspension had been lowered and made less likely to roll over. Prior to that, the Ford Bronco II had one of the worst rollover ratings of all vehicles (worse than Jeeps), but it was discontinued in 1991. GM was famous for exploding gas tanks on the side of its pickup trucks. But I do not trust companies that doctored test results and ignored unsafe suspensions and wrong tires on their autos, call me finicky.

However, what about driver responsibility? Man, those drivers are scary. What percentage of Americans use seat belts? Today, driver distraction is a major problem with people using cell phones, laptops, loud stereos, DVD players and other gadgets in their vehicles. Teen and elderly drivers are the two groups most likely to cause accidents. Does that mean that they should be forced off the road as menaces. Of course not.

About 40 percent of auto fatalities involve alcohol, but that means that 60 percent of accidents are caused by people who are sober! If we are looking at vehicle safety, we have to look at driver responsibility as well. I don't know about all of you but I do not trust the other drivers. Heck, I don't even trust me. And I know me. I have driven with me. He should try to drive more carefully, really he should.

Consider this for a moment, it was only a few decades ago that automobiles got about 8-14 miles per gallon using child and environmentally safe (ok, I keed, I keed) leaded gasoline, had no seat belts or crush-zone frames, no air bags, no ABS brakes, no emission controls (cars polluted about 50 times more than they do today), no side air bags, no traction control or all-wheel drive, etc. Man, those of us over 40 should realize that we are lucky to still be alive. Wow.

Even if we hate him because of bad political karma, we still must give a few big thanks to Ralph Nader because he forced attention on vehicle safety which them became a major public issue and improvements were made so that modern U.S. cars and SUV's are safer and less polluting than ever before. The problem from my perspective is that automobiles still burn gasoline instead of alternative fuels such as ethanol, propane, natural gas, good karma, and whatever else really works.

But back to the Hummer. Yes, the Hummer is a good symbol of American excess, status-seeking, and gas-guzzling vehicles, along with the Cadillac Escalade, Lincoln Navigator, Chevy Suburban and GMC Yukon. But so are the small, expensive passenger cars with large, gas-guzzling engines such as Mercedes, Porsche, Jaguar, BMW, Lexus, etc. Size does not matter in this regard. It may matter in others, but that's a post for another day. Another important point is that for many folks, large pickup trucks are needed and used for work, not just to get groceries. So, we should be critical yet realize that driving is not like television watching, do it carefully and rarely and you will be well served. Really. You will. I promise.

I think it is more important to take a kind of cultural perspective, perhaps criticizing the "Hummer mentality" rather than argue about vehicle safety, gas mileage, or size. This could be a lot of fun at parties. The whole name issue could be fun. Making fun of people who are, shall we say it...overcompensating a wee bit. Next time you try to fit your family of four or several friends into your Geo Metro, then find yourself sandwiched between two large semi-trucks on the freeway, remember that you are far cooler in your small car and care more, even if death is imminent.