It was just advice

That an anonymous (for now) American Hero was giving the Vice-President, one that I pointed out in the Summer of 2004 on the primordial Rising Hegemon and blogging neophyte Attaturk.

Don't be so Hard on your Dick

In this world it is sometimes difficult to get off of a repeated talking point. For example, the Vice-President has had some difficulty adapting to the circumstances of "WMD" or "Atta in Prague", giving the same old story he's been giving over and over for years, even after it has been disproven.

What is less known to many of us is that Dick is the man many conservatives talk to get advice advice about the arts of lovin'.

And to be fair, Dick is obviously a pretty fair lover. I mean he managed to turn a lesbian away from the path she was going and into a prim straight-laced type. And when his country called him for duty, Dick didn't answer the call by shooting blanks, nope, he shot, he scored!.

Dick is even so talented, that despite the administration's record against homosexual rights to the most basic of societal recognitions, he can still get a lesbian to work for him.

So obviously, though outwardly he seems a rather stiff, mumbly old bag o'puss, staying alive through the miracle of direct current, Dick one-on-one is simply "Captain Happy Pants", a man of even greater powers than...the Clenis.

So naturally, right-wingers talk to the guy and yesterday he had a meeting with a few of them looking for advice on their sex lives. And below is the advice given to each one, and I think you'd agree, it is the same advice we'd probably give to each and every one of them, repeatedly:


"Go Fuck Yourself"


"Go Fuck Yourself"


"Go Fuck Yourself"


"Go Fuck Yourself"

Now these meetings all took place just moments before the Senate photoshoot, and with Dick's inability to multitask, well, I think you can see how the misunderstanding came about.

So once again, if you don't want your Cheney to swear, leave your Dick alone.


Rather, one must use one's Dick for other purposes, as I have written before, hopefully not for evil.

Of all of nature's creatures amongst the most difficult to breed is that species, fama pennae dextera, the "Right Wing Bloviator". Though their numbers are presently in no way limited, as time passes, and a new generation comes about, the biology wing of the American Enterprise Institute is taking what steps it can to preserve both the population and the habitat of this less than majestic creature.

Granted there were earlier experiments in cross-breading in order to stabilize the population:

But AEI scientist decided this was most unsatisfactory, and frankly do not like to talk about the matter.

With this in mind, we present to you an illustrative guide to the lifestyle and mating rituals of this most unique creature.

One of the difficulties of mating the Right Wing Bloviator is identifying gender.





But once identified, the mating calls of the bloviator are similar, a deep gutteral utterance of a primal nature. Words that they believe work best are, "It's Clinton's fault", "Ditto", or most often a long string of "shut up, shut up, shut up". However, scientists note this has yet to lead to success. Nevertheless, here are a few individuals caught in the act of bellowing their mating call:





Unfortunately, it appears that when this call is made, rather than attract, it seems to repell the opposite sex. So the Bloviators are forced to make up for this lack of activity with other forms of substitutes for sexual release.





The Bloviators also have developed active fantasy lives, often mixed with an obsession with the dead:



Scientist at AEI have developed what they believe to be a solid theory, the bloviators sexual disfunction and lack of success with the opposite sex relates back to early life rejection by a member of opposite polar political affiliation.
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While the above, may not relate to the issue discussed, AEI Scientists have concurred this is the most disturbing picture ever taken and most definitely indicative of a man who is frankly, never gettin' any.

AEI Scientist have tried a method described as "baiting" to get bloviators to mate together so as to increase their numbers. Despite the appearance of initial success,

one of the Scientists, Dr. Godwin, notes that the fact that the bloviators above required someone else to show them how their equipment works. Actually, in the case of the individuals above there was confusion as to who had equipment and who did not. This result was similar to the experiences of an earlier notable pairing also was unable to produce offspring due to equipment failure.

"Sheissen, ich habe eine ball!"

Despite this difficulty, the scientists at AEI state that thanks to a substantial grant from the Richard Mellon Scaife Foundation they will keep trying to resolve this most perplexing, vexing and discomforting problem.