The Wankersburg McCain

In what seems like Four score and seven years ago, my friends, but will be 5 score more if I can help it, our leaders brought forth on another continent, a new nation, conceived in dishonesty – yet, in an approved and highly unsatisfactory missionary fashion, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, but some are more equal than others, my friends.

My friends now we are engaged in an awesome Iraqi great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so smartly invaded and so eviscerated, can long endure, even, my friends, if it takes 100 years. My friends, we are met on a great battle-field of that war, the FoxNews Studios in Manhattan. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their reputations that that notion might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this, my friends.

But, in a larger sense, my friends, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not wank our virile man seed upon -- this ground. The brave pundits, living and Broder, who pontificated here, have consecrated it, my friends far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, thank goodness, and at my age I can’t remember what I’m doing here. My friends, it is for you the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who wanked here have thus far so recklessly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us – staying here, that from these non-reported dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of decomposition -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall have died for McCain -- that this nation, under Bush my friends, shall have a new birth of wanking -- and that government of the pundit, by the pundit, for the pundit, shall not perish from the earth.