Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The world's worst beg-a-thon

I cannot remember doing one of these...though maybe I have...I don't know, I'm not the one with the problem, you're the one who comes here every day.

But I am here to launch the Atta J. Turk, I'm only in this because I have little else to do in the morning anyway, give me money because I want some-a-thon. 

This donation will partially go toward maintaining this completely free to me server operating at its current level of expense.

Your frivolous generous donation will also allow me to do the kind of work I have always wanted to do and have had the money to do on occasion, but now want to do thanks to the contributions of viewers like you.

1.  Buy those coffee beans that are harvested from wild cat poop.

2.  Continue my research into the normative and quantitative differences between MILF porn and Cougar porn, so far, no difference, but I'm sure with enough work I can have a breakdown.

3.  Start a company that will place flaming bags of dogcrap on the front porches of people you don't really know but decide are your enemies anyway.
4.  Buy those ice-cube trays that are in the shape of Han Solo frozen in carbonite.
5.  Have money to donate to other bloggers who ask for donations, circle-of-life and shit like that.
6.  Pretending I'm going to educate myself in grammar rules so as to never mistype "there, their, or they're" nor put the apostrophe in "its" improperly ever again.
 7.  Cold-fusion bitches!

I'm sure you'll agree those are all valuable causes to me personally.

So, if you have money to burn, donate here, so I can burn it for you and save you all that effort and who knows maybe just save your life or teach you a lesson -- it is possible that by donating to me you will become a better, more fulfilled person, I think I will.

Thank you, and God Bless America, and of course, Cthulhu.

Oh, and that's how you do a fund raising letter, Heifer International!


Anonymous said...

well, now i know what to get you for xmas!

oh, and we got a heifer sent in our name for a wedding present. it was the most meaningful of gifts, and the ones who gave it, are very dear to us. great cause!


jimmiraybob said...

It seems that a few years have gone by since I kicked into the till for the most worthy cause of providing booze and porn and fried butter sticks to the tribe. As soon as the next paycheck arrives, and they keep saying any day's in the mail, etc., so on and so forth, also too, It's a done deal.

It's a pleasure to support an establishment that hasn't had the good sense to throw me out ......that hasn't changed the locks while I was away .....that hasn't turned me in to homeland security for attempting snark and the ridicule and derision I cast in the general direction of the TeaBirchVangelicalNutBagHateThe BlackGuy Party.

Which could be construed as not being a team Villager player and probably violates commenting policy in a number of dimensions.

Anonymous said...

I would gladly invest in #3 if there was an iron clad guarantee that no money will go to #1

StonyPillow said...

I'd gladly fork over for Civet Coffee, but you're not fooling me. You'll probably turn around and donate the proceeds to a good cause.

Tell you what. I'll stand and deliver, and if you feel the need, forward it to Christie Vilsack. I'd dearly like to see her give Steve King a good drubbing. She's within striking distance, and his tears of disappointment will be both satisfying and delicious.

pansypoo said...

as long as you do not treat your sleep issues.