Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The Coming FoxNews Reality Show: American Idle

Or Who Wants to be a Right-Wing NY Times Editorialist to replace Bill Safiar?

Like all good reality shows, it will contain a whole slew of various challenges that the contestants must pass or face elimination (with prejudice!). While true renaissance man Joe Rogan was considered, the host will be the self-proclaimed black list recepient Ron Silver.

The contests engaged in:

Contest One: Telling Maureen Dowd she is really attractive, hot, sexy, easy-on-the eyes, younger in person, bootylicious, vibrant, witty, talented, too good for that lout Michael Douglas, vivacious, expressive, consistent, and not at all self-absorbed.

"Pretty as your picture MoDo. Really."

Contest Two: Polishing David Brooks' template to a lustrous sheen, so that it can be more vibrant when paired with ink and pressed upon the pages of his next column. Bonus points to the contestant who can feign the most false-modesty while engaged in the task.

"Gee Mr. Brooks sir, where did you get that bitchin' shirt?"

Contest Three: Who can be the most condescending to Bob Herbert while most sincerely proclaiming the statement, "I have many black friends, Bob, besides Clarence Thomas."? A scoring enhancement is given to the person who can blurt out Armstrong Williams as a chum the fastest. An immunity given to the person who can produce a photograph of themselves with Rod Paige. However, automatic disqualification is given if it turns out to be a picture of themselves with Louis Gossett, Jr..

"Isn't your presence here enough progress?"

Contest Four: A real talent for ad hominem attacks is called for, as each potential columnist is required to write 400 words attacking Paul Krugman's latest editorial and his "jewish elite intellectualism" without mentioning either his name or his ethnicity/religion. This has to be done while not actually addressing any of the arguments contained in his column.

"At least I don't look like Lenin."

Contest Five: A 300 to 400 word column establishing "anti-Kristofian" tendencies. In other words a column managing to take the most wacky, contemptible statements of a right-wing nut, and making the same point. All this must be done without nearly the same invective. Adding to the degree of difficulty, the contestants must excuse the errors of the same wing-nut without any guilt whatsoever.

"Why should I, as a white, christian male, of northern european extraction, have to feel guilty about anything?"

Contest Six: The 'Tom Friedman Acid Test'. Each of the contestants is placed in various large third-world cities. There they must find either a taxicab driver; waiter/waitress; or hotel clerk able to pontificate on world affairs in the most "middle-aged, midwesterny manner" possible. Bonus points are given for writing a column which also contains quotes attributed to a self-proclaimed intellectual in the same locale able to tie together Hegelian attitudes with the "common persons" prior statements. Special "Bonus-Bonus" points given for the ability to take a similar scenario two weeks later and write a column asserting exactly the opposite point of the first column.

"I met this guy named, um...ah, Mohammed Al, um...ah, Mohammed Al Bignutz, and he ran a, um, falafel stand, and he thinks that Bush is great. In fact that guy, you know, that Mohammed guy, said that exactly, "Bush is great". Really. You don't need to see my expense account receipts do you?"

I think this show sounds like a winner.

Of course, a better reality-contest for a replacement right-wing columnist would more likely be inspired by this.


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