Dear Dr. Attaturk, April 23, 2005

Question No. 1:

Dear Dr. Attaturk,

I am thinking of becoming an aspiring journalist and might be interested in taking a fresh look at Stalin. I wouldn't want to dwell on the "old perspectives" and would instead take an entirely new and fresh look at his strong and effective leadership style and would like to focus a bit on some of his more charming and endearing personal traits (like his swell smile and fine head of hair).

I think that the article should be upbeat and, of course, completely without perspective, facts or substance.

The title could be "A Fascinating Man for a Fascinating Time."

Do you know of any formidable news outlets that will accept my story? The less editorial oversight the better. I pose this question to you because you are wise in the ways of the world and because I apparently haven't been blocked from commenting here...yet.

I await your response. In the meantime I will be grilling some cheese sandwiches in hopes of finding a message from God that might bring in a few extra bucks.

Well, when Dr. Atta J. Turk was a young man we have reliable places we could go on the fringes that we could refer you to. They were rather set in stone and reliable. We had PRAVDA, IZVESTIA, or The Weekly World News. But now things have diversified and your choices have become myriad.

For example, I saw a report on FoxNews yesterday where Brit Hume had a special report on just how much Dick Cheney likes Puppies. Commentator Dick Morris was then on O'Reilly to report that Tom DeLay liked to crochet together blankets to be distributed to indicted white collar criminals. And then on the their late news, Fox told me that Sean Hannity once saved, theoretically, dozens of people from drowning by dredging a wildlife wetland near his large Long-Island estate.

So I cannot really recommend which of our quality media in which to contact because it seems like a story they would all like to tell.

Question No. 2:

Dear Internets Mentor,

Now if I use the "advanced search" feature at google.com and type in "Tom DeLay" in one field and "goober" in another field and "criminal" in another field ... That's like using boolean search operators, right? Okay. And my next question, is there any way to rank the 30,284 hits I get back, or do I just have to let a clerk sort through them for me?

Yours,

Supreme Court Justice Thin Tony

I checked out a few things my own self and these were the results.

Tom DeLay & Pornstar 155,000 hits
Tom DeLay & Asshole 83,400 hits
Tom DeLay & Anal Sex 29,300 hits
Tom DeLay & Necrophilia 3,400 hits
Tom DeLay & Santorum 147,000 hits

I think the conclusion from this is obvious. There is some amateur video out there that is quite disconcerting.