Friday, April 22, 2005

Welcome to ESPN's Coverage of the 2005 Chimptopia Draft

Chris Berman: Hey everybody, I'm Chris Berman and I'm here with ESPN's Draft Expert Mel Kiper as we are only seconds away from the nation's first draft in more than three decades and Mel we could not be more excited."

Mel Kiper: That's right Chris, America is looking to expand both its offensive and defensive capabilities by obtaining individual young citizens that would be well-prepared and expendable as our nation prepares to make us safer by having lots of people die.

Chris: As you know Mel, there is some discussion among some whether this draft contains a sufficient amount of depth in order to provide adequate talent to the Bush Administration's goals.

Mel Kiper: That's right Chris. But fortunately, thanks to many of the recent policies of the Bush Administration there is a large pool of individuals who have little to no other economic alternative but to go into the military should they be taken. Plus with the high cost of gasoline, it is more expensive than ever to drive to Canada, especially for the talent rich, reproductive families location in SEC country.

Chris: Commissioner Rumsfeld has the first pick in his hand and is approaching the podium.

Rumsfeld: With the first pick in the 2005 Military Draft, the United States Army chooses, lower-income black males between 18 and 24.

Chris: Well, we cannot say that this is a surprise Mel.

Mel: No we can't Chris. This pick has a long history of doing the hard, tough jobs that others do not want to do, despite consistent examples of neglect and even deliberate abuse. By holding out, again, the hope of a better future, the government knows that these kids will give them a solid effort and undertake sacrifices despite past disappointments.

Chris: And here is the second pick now.

Rumsfeld: With the second pick in the 2005 Military Draft, the nation picks "residential aliens of latin american extraction".

Chris: So far according to form Mel.

Mel: That's right Chris. Despite a poor reputation, it is believed there is a huge upside in using incentive laden contracts to get these individuals motivated to sacrifice themselves for their new country. A tour of duty in Iranoraqia would seem the ideal place in which to test these kids for both effort and imperviousness to metal.

...sadly more to come...

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