Friday, February 11, 2005

Children Scarred for Life

Imagine the enjoyment of the children hearing children's stories from these people.

The Children's Hour
A Reading of New and Classic Children's Poetry
Tuesday, January 25, 2005 5:30 PM - 7:00 PM

Wohlstetter Conference Center, Twelfth Floor, AEI

Announcer: Okay, children, okay, bring your whole milk and freedom cookies over here and gather round in a semi-circle...that's good, that's good. Now, we have a special program of poetry reading for you. Our first reader is this nice man, Michael Novak who will read a poem of his own composition to you. Are you ready Mike?

Michael Novak: Yes, it's nice to see so many young children gathered 'round, so young, I'm glad you children are here today. I wrote a little poem for you, I hope you like it.

"Jack and Jill, went off the pill
and made themselves a baby
But they were liberal and rich
and Jill was a bitch
so they threw fetus in a ditch"

[...silence, followed by crying...]

Okay, I have another...

"Hillary was a craven old whore
Formerly the friend of bad Al Gore
Supported by Dykes
She stole beanies and trykes
And voted to turn you all gay"

[...screaming and crying]

What is your problem kids? This is life you spoiled little brats. Here's one last one.

"If your Mom voted Kerry
Then your Dad is a fairy
and God's anger will be wroth

They will end up in hell,
of flamed sulfur 'twill smell
and your Parents oh they will suffer
...a lot!"

Random three-year old, "You are a mean man!"

Micheal Novak: "Oh yeah? I'm a mean man? Well fuck you, you little brat!"

Announcer: Sorry, sorry Children. Settle down now. Could someone help out that little girl in the red pants I think she had an accident...oh, I guess most of them did. Let's take a little break so people can get you all changed children.

[20 minutes later]

Announcer: Alright children, we are ready to go again. We are sorry about the restraining fence, but we have to keep you all in this area and too many of you were trying to run away across the street to the cemetary -- things will get better now, we promise. Okay, kids, now we have Bill Kristol to read a story to all of you. Bill?

Bill Kristol: Thanks children. So many bright, young, conservative faces. Um, you there, the little boy with the red hair, please stay back from me, Uncle Bill doesn't need any of your slobber juice on his wing-tips.

Okay, I'm going to read to you from the updated classic, "The Little Engine that Could, renamed the Little President that Could". Here we go.

"George was the new President, who felt very lonely,
George wasn't as popular as the last President,
Though he was sure that he was nicer, and better.
One day, when George was working real, real, hard
His friend Condi came and said things were historical,
And then things got really bad and stuff blew up.
So George said go bomb that place some of them were
And things went pretty much okay and it was good
And many people gathered round George for doing the obvious.

But George was still lonely and remembered his daddy
George's Daddy was a President too, who had had trouble
And George thought, that country that cause him trouble was bad
"I sure hope that I can do what my Daddy could not do" George thought
Maybe I can launch a major military operation thought George,
But many thought that he should not invade without a good plan
But George just stamped his feet and looked at them and smirked
George then said, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
And then he told people what they wanted to hear about the war
And still some of other nasty people who were unAmerican said "no"
But George just said, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can"

And you know what kids, George did invade...and now freedom is on the March.

Isn't that a nice story?


Bill Kristol: "What's wrong with you people? Well I'm off to FoxNews. Later, Losers."

Announcer: "Thank you Bill. Children! Children, stop laying with your faces down and thrashing and crying, we have one more person to speak, as soon as we can find him. Oh, here he comes on nice Mr. Johnson...oh, dear, he seems to have fallen down...okay...almost up...oh, down again. Yes, isn't he a funny man with his stumbling about. Yes, it's funny how Mr. Hitchens just punched that man in between the legs, he's a funny man. Here he is Children, Mr. Christopher Hitchens."

Hitchens: Help! Help! I'm thurrounded by angry midgef! Helph me!

Announcer: "Mr. Hitchens, these are children"

Hitchens: "Children?"

Announcer: "Yes"

Hitchens: Oh, well nowf, juth let me find my chair thath betta .

"Okay, who wanth to climb up onto Uncle Chrithyz lap?"

Announcer: "Okay, kids, that's all we have for today. Thanks for coming. I'd like to remind you all that all of this stuff that happened here today is a secret...a secret that if you tell anyone about, mommy and daddy...WILL DIE, THEY'LL BE DEAD! GOT IT?

DEAD! So let's be quiet about it and have a nice day."

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