Dear Illinois Republican Party;

You likely have not heard of me and I'm not necessarily saying that is a bad thing.

It has come to my attention that in the past couple of weeks you've had a problem coming up with an individual to be your Party's candidate for the United States Senate.

As I understand it, the first guy was young and fairly handsome. Unfortunately, he also appeared to be big on having sex -- in public -- in sex clubs -- with a woman mostly comprised of space-age polymers and viscous fluids. To my surprise, this was found to be a detrimental thing for a politician and he is now out of the race.

The next person was allegedly a former football coach. Unlike the first guy he didn't like to have sex in public, but he did apparently like to talk in public about having a tough time having sex without a purple pill. From what I have heard, whether the pill made it possible for him to have sex, in public or private, was unclear, but he was really good at throwing a football through a tire. This last thing seems to me to be an important legislative skill, but nonetheless he too dropped out.

And then there was this third person. This was a woman who didn't like to have sex in public, and didn't say she needed help having sex from a pill. However, apparently she was a little confused about what people use kaleidoscopes for. I myself am not exactly sure what they are for, but I imagine when you take the stuff the second guy takes and go to the place where the first guy liked to go -- with the woman made out of space age polymers, it would probably be similar to using a kaleidoscope.

Unfortunately, what the lady did with the kaleidoscope seemed to strike people as rather dirty, just like the first guy and the second guy.

And then I heard there was a fourth guy that was given some consideration. He apparently liked to play an electric guitar in the way that the third person, the lady, liked to use the kaleidoscope. He also liked to shoot stuff with a gun. Unlike the first guy who liked shooting a different sort of gun; the second guy who wasn't able to shoot his gun; and the third lady, who apparently had difficulty figuring out what a gun looked like. Anyhow, this last guy was called the "Motor City Madman" and apparently that is in a different state. So he can shoot his gun all he wants, but cannot do it in Illinois.

Obviously, this does seem to leave you in a quandary and I am nothing, if I am not helpful.

Therefore, I offer myself. I have these virtues to offer.

-- I am capable of having sex, or so I believe;
-- Without Drugs;
-- I have my sex in private, occasionally with others;
-- I know that a Kaleidoscope is not a gun;
-- I am not from the "Motor City"
-- I will not shoot my gun in Illinois, at least in public.

Now, I have to be honest with you, I am a Democrat and a bit more liberal than many in your Party -- though maybe not as liberal as some of your candidate prospects.

Just think about it and let me know.

Sincerely,

Attaturk