Friday, January 07, 2005

I Hunger for Human Flesh

by Ann Coulter

After a half-dozen years in the public eye, it has become apparent to me that I am allowed to say pretty much any goddamned thing I please, and a substantial enough faction of the public will nod their heads in agreement and demand I be allowed upon Hannity & Colmes twice a month.

Of course, it is true that much of what I write or utter is to most people insane, as if Julius Streicher's granddaughter is suddenly given wealth and clout simply for being louder than others, and because she wears a leather miniskirt.

But that is only because the left is such a bunch of whimpy, whinny, nobs that all they do is go harrumph and think I will sink of my own statements.

Well, half a dozen years, four best sellers, and a boatload of five-figure speaking fees later, who's the bitch now bitch?

Therefore, I must now ask my minions to do something for me.

The forceable conversion of muslims, a good start.

Ramping up the torture, well-done.

But now it is time that I must ask you for something for me.

Look at me, I am hungry.

I need to feed.

But I can exist off of only one thing besides Xanax and Vodka.

I need to devour the flesh of human beings. I must slake my ravenous appetite for the meat of humanity.

Last week I thought I had my chance. I saw the thousands of bodies washed upon upon the shores of Indonesia and thought, "Ummmm, buffet", but alas, I was scheduled to be on Hannity & Colmes twice that week, and subbing for Rush another day. There was simply no time for me to sink my teeth into the flanks of a deceased vacationer or t-shirt vendor. Alas, I still hunger for sweeter meats.

So those of you who can read, please inform most of my other fans, who cannot, that I need bodies to eat, preferably fresh. Please UPS such materials to:

Alan Smithee
Newark International Airport
Box 33
Newark, New Jersey

Make sure they are not too gamey.

No comments: