Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Open letter to Sandra Bullock

Sandy, (can I call you Sandy?)

We're the same age. I have no tattoos (I'm aware of); I'm completely untalented with all mechanical devices; I can barely ride a bike, let alone a motorcycle; I've never met, let alone dated or married, a porn star (not even Ron Jeremy); I've never slept with a neo-Nazi (that I know of) - certainly not lately. Further, I have never been photographed in Nazi garb (in a Mao-Hat yes, a youthful indiscretion).

I wouldn't ask for much, just a modest stipend to fund my addiction to Cadbury Eggs say $5,000 a month.

What do ya' say?

It's gotta be better than how E-Harmony did for you.


StonyPillow said...

Such a catch he is. And no matter when you wake up, the coffee will be hot and fresh.

Listen, bubeleh. A mensch like this you will not find every year. And so young!

res ipsa loquitur said...

You also have no problem with her working, which is more than I can say for Bobo Brooks (see Pandagon).

She'd be a fool not to want you.

rapier said...

Your missing the point. Ladies love outlaws. Outlaws and Iowa are mutually exclusive. I suggest you move to Missouri or better yet South Dakota, get a Harley, kick some ass. This won't help you with Ms Bullock but might change the blog for the better. Something like 'mad biker burns down the Corn Palace'

Anonymous said...

Athenawise said...

Atta and Sandy. Great combo. And, she'd understand your commitment to blogging. Right?

jimmiraybob said...

Your missing the point. Ladies love outlaws.

Whoa there, no one is more outlawier that the Atta Effing Turk. No one rides the mighty photoshop with A's mad skills. I'm pulling for ya dude. (if things work out and someday you run across any of my letters to Sandra please disregard.)

kth said...


Attaturk said... one is more outlawier that the Atta Effing Turk.

Yeah, I'm really fucking "gangsta" in my Dockers and Florsheims. That's old school.

pansypoo said...

but there's the fez.

StonyPillow said...

No one rides the mighty M$ Paint with A's mad skills. I'm pulling for ya dude. Fixed.

jimmiraybob said...


I stand corrected.

And A, it's not about the duds, it's about the attitude. Yo esse. That's how we roll in my hood. Peace out.

[I assume the youngsters are still using these catchy phrases]

rapier said...

She is a big time movie producer you know. Have you considered pitching your screenplay. About a blogger from Des Moines who wears a fez and does stuff? Exciting stuff even. In Des Moines.