Ask Dr. Attaturk, April 16, 2005

Question No. 1:

Attaturk! Pal!

Listen, the infallability thing has turned into a real bitch. I got one or two things wrong, encyclically speaking. So sayeth the Lord, heh. And apparently ya gotta bat 100, or else "infallible" is meaningless, capiche?

So I'm just cooling my heels outside the walls up here. Could you send me some back issues of Backpacker Magazine or Reader's Digest? Or maybe a good, thick read like Crime and Punishment or The Narnia Chronicles? They just called Number 3,847,128,003 and I'm Number 10,238,624,023. Okay, I gotta go, I think I'm breaking up.

Aloha and kwanzaa al dente,

Pope John Paul II

JP,

I remember our times together hanging out in the Italian Alps at your villa, sipping Stoly and Baileys alternatively. Man, you could really put it away -- that's why they gave you the big hat!

I'll see what I can do for you. Purgatory can be a bitch. However, there are a few things I can probably spare.

"The Collective Works of Martin Luther" should give you 95 reasons to pass the time.

I'll send you a vintage copy of the "The Necronomecon"

And finally, I'll send up a Black Sabbath Boxed Set that Clayton Graham just sent me.

Have fun cooling your heels. If you have some more time to pass, I suggest you have a chat with Ronald Reagan about that whole ebryonic stem-cell research deal.

Question No. 2:

Beloved,
calvery greetings to you in the precious name of our lord and saviour,Jesus Christ.

We bless the name of the Lord for what he is using us to achieve all over the world in this end-times.Having watched global events for sometime now,it is obvious that more and more christians are assuming positions of authority in virtually every field of human endeavours;in Economically, academically, politically etc.

I would like to support your ministry activities for projects and its cost of execution, may God bless us all as we work in his vineyard.
racheal

Hey thanks.

Johnny Cash has a special message for you and the 20 million times you sent out this same message.



Question No. 3:

Dear Atta J. Turk,

I believe John Bolton is hiding his former life as a mysterious janitor named Scruffy who made a few appearances on Futurama in the 1990s. Since Scruffy isn't very well known, I found a picture of him here to show you. Don't you think John Bolton looks scruffy, uh, I mean looks like Scruffy?

Do we really want a scruffy janitor representing us at the U.N.? -Nona

Listen, about 3 years ago, I was under contract to the State Department in its special "Love via Bomb" campaign. I was in my office, minding my own business and playing Quake III (or was it plotting where to bomb in Mosul?) when a two-toned dude stomped into my office and bellowed:

"Who here recommended strategic bombing in Mosul?"

I replied it was me...whereupon he got up in my grill and yelled, "I wanted Carpet Bombing dammit, Carpet Bombing...And by the way, I want you to make sure you get more armor and the rocket laucher in that game. Do you understand me?!"

I said, of course I did.

And then the fucker fragged me.

I could not fucking believe it.

Anyhoo, yes...
vs.

Question No. 4:

Well, it took me 9 hours (cain't afford an accountant) and I hope I figured out the amortization on the lawnmowers and the truck right, and the six weeks stuck in Missouri with momma and them, waitin' out the kidney stones cause I couldn't afford to go to the hospital, but I got some Illinois unemployment insurance (money), but here's the question:

WHAT exactly do I get for the $4,220 I paid? (actually I took an extension because I ain't got it, but still.)

I sure as hell know it ain't health care, and don't tell me roads 'cause it's bumper-to-bumper on the six-lane and nobody seems to care.

Roger
Big Dog Lawn Care

It's clear that we get HIGH benefits for your $4,200. It shows up clearly...


Here


and here


and here


and here

That's right, your federal tax money does much much more than enable the raiding of your retirement funds and the invasion of third world nations. Your tax money helps keep Dear Leader from hearing or seeing people that disagree with his policies. We didn't set up a Democratic Republic, with Free Speech built into it by Law in order to expose George W. Bush to bad stuff.

The Federal Government would like to thank you for keeping Dear Leader in his safe "Cocoon of Fantasy".

God bless America!