FoxTelegraph BREAKING NEWS May 1862

"Good afternoon, I'm Fox strumpet Megyn Kelly from our News Headquarters in Richmond, Virginia, C.S.A., with a breaking and SHOCKING story.

It seems that the so-called President of the United States, the great Satan Abraham Lincoln, in addition to his multitude of other crimes -- from violating State Rights to loving the Darkies -- can add another one. Abraham Lincoln has been linked to CANNIBALISM.

FoxTelegraph has learned that a group calling itself the New Donner Party engaged in various acts of Cannibalism while carrying documents bearing the signature of the most heinous and vile monster ever to inhabit these shores.

With us now is Kirsten Powers, a well-known Darwinist, Marxist, and undoubted practitioner of miscegenation.

Kirsten, clearly these documents reveal Lincoln to be a eater of man-flesh, a truly reprehensible cannibal and baby eater, especially a white southern baby eater?

Kirsten: Well, actually Megyn they reveal no such thing. They are merely documents bearing the signatures of various people about unrelated...

Megyn: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, HOW CAN YOU BE SO UNINFORMED?!!!

Kirsten: Actually, I'm not at all...

Megyn: HE'S A CANNIBAL!

Kirsten: There's absolutely no evi...

Megyn: HE SUCKLES ON THE CHARRED FLESH OF HUMANS, IT'S PEOPLE!!!

Kirsten: I really don't....

Megyn: CUT HER TELEGRAPH WIRE, CUT IT! I apologize ladies and gentlemen for the ignorance of our last guest. Time for a quick break, when we come back, is Frederick Douglass determined never to serve his sentence and submit to the lash as an escaped slave? Also, residents, nay, heroes of Atlanta vow to defeat an effort to build a Catholic Church because it is a moving force behind abolitionist terror. And, later, President Davis, handsome man, or the embodiment of the living Christ? We report you decide, Fair and Balanced on real America's news.