Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Goatee

Day six or so of my having to grow a goatee in order to cover an ugly (and hopefully temporary) scar.

There's a good reason I've never grown a goatee.

1. I hate them.

2. I look terrible with one, well more terrible.

3. It is coming in grey.

4. I can't stop touching it (it's like Christine O'Donnell's nightmare come to life, if I had a chin penis). Now I understand why reformed smokers so often have them -- and I'm looking at you ladies.

But, the good news is I think it is coming off this weekend. And I'm going to have fun with it. As I shave it, I will look at myself in the following incarnation:

I'll begin with, the drunken, bank robbing, Rip Torn.

Second, obese, pale and balding Jimmy Smits.

Third, the Lenin vandyke.

Fourth, the Terry Jones fu-man chu.

Fifth, the John Oates/Gay Pornstar.

Sixth, the John Waters.

Seventh, of course, the Hitler, or is it now called "the Michael Jordan WTF are you thinking?"

The fact that this whole thing will still look like shit in four days means I'll probably just have to settle for Rip Torn and that will be it.


Athenawise said...

I gotta tell you, Atta, the sexiest goatee in the bunch is Lenin. But then, I've always been attracted to post-Bolshevik commies.

Anonymous said...

Oooh! I have a couple suggestions:

- between steps 3 and 4: the Frank Zappa 'stache/soul patch

- between steps 4 and 5: the Rollie Fingers/Greg Norton silent film villain waxed 'stache

sukabi said...

or you could forego the whole facial hair adventure (since you're convinced you'll look goofy) and go with a nice printed band-aide... I'd suggest Shaggy from Scooby-do fame...

Anonymous said...

wait, wasn't jordan doing charlie chaplin's tramp?

yes. facial PUBIC hair.

Anonymous said...

Fundamentals of Beardism.
Learn to love what you hate.
Beards make the man.
Beards are a fact of life.
Beards are here to stay.
One Beard can fit all sizes.
One beard is not the total sum of a man.
One beard is not the same as another.
Defend da beard to the end.

sukabi said...

I'd be extra careful with the whole goatee thing Atta... never know when Mickey Kaus is skulking around... wouldn't want him mistaking you for a goat.

omen said...

neosporin or vitamin e will help reduce scaring.

with the goatee, are you your bad twin now? a la spock with a beard.

omen said...

i confused rip taylor with rip torn.

was "rip" considered a cool name back in the olden days?

muddy said...

I second vitamin E. 68 stitches in the face and you'd never know it now.

As one of the unfortunate ladies without facial hair, I have always thought it would be fun to grow something, just so I could play with it. I'd look very intellectual stroking the beard, I think.

sukabi said...

I have always thought it would be fun to grow something, just so I could play with it. I'd look very intellectual stroking the beard, I think.

that's the kind of talk that gets Christine O'Donnell's panties in a twist.

Fixer said...

Ah, quit yer cryin'. Some of us ... ahem ... look good with one. Heh ... Give it a while; you might like having a hairy chin.

Anonymous said...

take pictures of each step so we can compare and contrast.

pansypoo said...

flashbacks to nekkid joel with fucking mutton chops. THAT'S IT. NO MORE HEAD SHALL I DO! and hairy models hard.

Mustang Bobby said...

Having had a John Oates mustache since 1974, I can safely say that I was never mistaken for a porn star, even in the late '70's.

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